Thursday, March 13, 2014


Thirty, flirty and thriving. Jennifer Gardner's character in 13 Going on 30 sees that tagline in a magazine, and that's all she wants for her thirteenth birthday. In a Big like twist, shes get what she wishes for, then finds out that she maybe doesn't want that after all. End the movie with her and Mark Ruffalo living a happily ordinary life.

Today is my thirtieth birthday. In terms of birthdays, this is one of those big ones. Celebrities say that thirty is great. All the insecurities of their twenties just fluttered away, and thirty is awesome. I'll be honest. These past few years have been rough for me. I guess its the depression or whatever, but things have been hard. I have also found that navigating these years without friends has been harder than I thought. It was easier in my earlier twenties. I had a job and no kids, so I could spend all my money on distractions like books, movies, and clothes. But once I lost my job and started to have kids, the ability to spend on distractions vanished. And while concentrating on them has been good (and I love them to pieces), I miss doing my own things. They've also noticed that mommy doesn't have any friends, and the comments are hard to take sometimes. They are little, so they don't say it to be mean. But when my husband is constantly going out to do his hobbies and see his friends and they see me staying at home all the time, they say things. I feel like I am setting a bad example for them, and I don't want that. I want my children to have very happy, fulfilled, and social lives. But at the same time, I feel like its too late for me to make any friends anymore. Everyone pretty much has their set of lifers, and then every once in a while they add to the acquaintance pool. I feel awkward trying to meet people and make friends. I feel like they notice how insecure and friendless I am. Is all this really supposed to go away now that I'm thirty?

Of course it won't. I am not a celebrity. I don't have access to all the things and people they do that make their lives easier. I still have a lot of personal work to do. I think being alone for so many years has made me unacceptable as a friend. I wouldn't even know where to start anymore. Living in your head is no way to live, and that's pretty much where I am right now. I still need to lose weight. Feeling fat hasn't done me any favors in the self esteem department, which hinders all kinds of other areas in my life. And with all the health issues I've had really scared me...and all this extra weight isn't helping with those.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't bemoan this birthday, even though it sounds like I am. I am using it as a reflecting period. I am grateful for the thirty years I've been given so far, but I do have a lot of regrets. A lot of missed life experiences because I was afraid to say yes to things, afraid to let people in. And look where that's gotten me. Maybe if I can finally get all my feelings out in the open and not stuck in my head, I can get started on what needs to get done. No more excuses. There's no more time for those. I've already lived thirty years, and they've gone by way too fast. If I'm lucky, I'll get thirty or forty more. It sounds like a long time, but its not. And I've got too much left to do to keep on wasting it.

1 comment:

  1. Happy birthday! Not to sound cheesy, but these days it seems like 30 "is the new" 20s...
    It's hard making new friends though, I feel you on that. Maybe try a meet up? We've had a Nerd Girl Meet up twice here in SD...maybe start on in your area? Post in the Female Geek Blogger Community! It's a lot of fun!


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